I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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