I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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