Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
