I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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