did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
