I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
