At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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