Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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