party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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