How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
