just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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