A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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