Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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