sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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