I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
