wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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