well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
