One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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