Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
