they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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