Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
