So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
