Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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