So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
