definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
