Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
