I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
