Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
