so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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