Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
