I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
