I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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