the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
