I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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