I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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