Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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