I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
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We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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