She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
