im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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