why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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