filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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