I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
