His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
