I cannot find my penis.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
