woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
