my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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