I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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