Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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