Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
