i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
