I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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