Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
