matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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