he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
