my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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