Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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