6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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