mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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