My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
