My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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