I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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