are you so shy because you have an std?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
