I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
