McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
