I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
