I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
